her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
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My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
you have three unread messages
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.