I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.