It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming