The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
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Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.