My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
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Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Everyone in the gym on January 1st