If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
*checks Timeline*…
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
what’s more important?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Easy enough.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*