50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Usage Guidelines
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan