me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
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Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.