Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”