[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
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Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
i love meeting boys on tinder