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Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Here’s a meme
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons