“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
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Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard