[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?