Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
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My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??