I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
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crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
O Wise One….
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu