Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
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Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?