“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
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*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Are you ok, human???
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze