Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
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No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Matt Goss
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉