I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled