Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
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Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news