sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
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My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Just a friendly reminder!
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”