I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.