No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
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People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens: