The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
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Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived