Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim