sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
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Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener