wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.