My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
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My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!