My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
You Might Also Like
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I identify as an antique shop.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…