i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
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Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
#parenting
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.