Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Breaking news:
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.