“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need