Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
You Might Also Like
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards