Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
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Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app