If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
New menu item
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Best mom ever 😂
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me: