Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive