Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
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I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING