I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
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Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Looking at you, Jesus.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I’m already scared