“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
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Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
From Facebook just now…
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.