There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.