That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
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Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
They also CAN sing✌️
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
According to math, I’m broke
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
🍛
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I need better friends
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”