her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Here’s a meme
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.