This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
You Might Also Like
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
What a year we’ve had this week.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.