Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream