I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor