me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.