All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
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mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
subtitles are so good nowadays