A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
You Might Also Like
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna