Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
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The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
asked my bf how work was today
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that