Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Are these grass-fed oranges?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable